Diary: Why Al Pacino is getting heat

Now it seems that Bob’s buddy in the acting game, Al Pacino, is also to sire a child, at the sprightly age of 83.

Reader Darren Bartley suggests a suitably Italian name for Pacino’s sprog: “Finito Pacino has a nice ring to it,” he says. “It’ll also serve as a reminder to this elderly Pop, that it’s now time to stop…”

WHEN she was a student, reader Beverley Randall worked part-time as a waitress in Glasgow city centre. One of her fellow waitresses had a reputation for being rude to customers.

Beverley was once serving a nearby table when she witnessed a customer hand the cheeky waitress an exceedingly small tip, whilst saying: “Here you go, luv. When your shift’s finished you can use that to paint the town red.”

Staring incredulously at the meagre number of coins rattling around on her palm, the cheeky waitress snorted: “I’d love to paint the town red. But I’m certainly no’ gonnie be able to gie it two coats, am I?”

A HERALD contributor recently gave a fulsome endorsement to that most delightful of vegetables, the majestic pea, which reminds Russell Smith from Largs of his father, who was very proud of his variety of homegrown veg.

So much so, that he often gave the following curious dining advice to his son, who he ordered to: “Eat up every potato and pea on your plate.”

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A PHILOSOPHICAL thought from reader Sylvia Herbert, who notes: “To say ‘You absolutely butchered that’ is an insult in every single profession… except one.”

WE continue to celebrate the talent of sport commentators to improvise memorable remarks. Gordon Fisher from Stewarton recalls when Hearts were playing in Europe.

One of the greats of Scottish football broadcasting, Fraser Elder, quipped that the German opponents, Lokomotive Leipzig, were “going like a train”.

PUB landlords – they’re a cunning bunch. Gordon McRae tells us that a new sign appeared on the pub wall, which read: ‘No crefdit given here’.

One observant and well-educated punter remarked: “There’s nae eff in credit.”

“That’s right,” agreed the barman. “It’s cash only in here.”