Myth #6: It’s my job to lecture my child

Article content

This is the sixth in a series of seven articles on parenting myths.

Article content

A while ago, one of my daughters confessed that, in her teens, she would rather have been grounded, or even slapped, rather than listen to me drone on with the best possible advice – all for her own good. And of course she heard none of it.

You’ve been there, right? You start talking, and their eyes glaze over and they zone out. And there are no words to bring them back from that distant place.

Where did we ever get the crazy idea that we can teach kids by lecturing them or giving them (unsolicited) advice? As my great-great-aunt used to say: “Save your breath to cool your porridge.”

We communicate with language – but language is only a part of how and what we communicate. We’re all fully conversant with body language, and most of us are familiar with messages sent in crossed arms, narrowed eyes, raised fists and rolling eyes.

Article content

Article content

But while body language may send messages about someone’s mood or the temperature of the conversation (or lack thereof), it doesn’t really teach us anything.

So how can we teach our children without lecturing them?

Demonstrate. While language can be a useful tool – sometimes – for teaching, it is certainly not the only one.

Consider lecturing versus modelling or demonstrating. Toddlers don’t learn how to walk by having it explained to them. Children don’t learn how to ride a bike by having it explained to them. And children don’t learn how to write by having it explained to them.

Rather, they learn by (a) trial and error and (b) watching someone else do it.

The same can be said of values and morals. While there can be wonderful, fruitful discussions about matters such as these, the most powerful communication is demonstration. “Do as I say, not as I do” is a fool’s errand. Children will always do as you do.

Article content

Want your children to be kind? Be kind – to everyone – and know that they will mimic you. The closer you are, the more closely they will imitate you. Want them to be honest? Be honest.

Ask questions. And I don’t mean leading questions – “Don’t you agree that…?” – or loaded questions – “So where were you last night?” Rather, I’m talking about questions that encourage critical thinking and empathy.

Say your child shares something with another child. Rather than praise, ask, “I noticed you shared your cookies with Billy. How do you think he felt when you did that?”

Provide information, not advice. And, yes, lecturing, nagging, advising and reminding are all in the same family.

So, what’s the difference between advice and information? Information sounds like this: “It’s cold out.” Advice sounds like this: “Put a coat on. It’s cold out.” See the difference?

Or this: “It’s your grandmother’s birthday next week.” Compared to this: “It’s your grandmother’s birthday next week. Be sure to send her a card and phone her.”

In the upcoming week, try these instead of advising.

Want to know more about Choice Theory? My PDF booklet Who’s Driving YOUR Car? and handout Six Things: How to create healthy boundaries are available for download on my website at www.sanerparenting.ca/downloads/. And if you want to email me at [email protected], I always welcome your comments and questions.